Category Archives: Life

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A Messy World

I am a self-confessed news junkie. I read the news multiple times during the day. I can not explain the obsession, especially these days when almost everything we read is negative. Our community, our country and our world have become angry and messy. How did we get here?

My mother was recently traveling internationally and just missed the attack in Brussels. When she had made this trip previously, she made connections in Brussels. By the grace of God, that was not the case this time. When I read the news that morning I did not know where she was on her route and messages started pouring in from her friends asking where she was. Why is it that attacks or bombings are nearly expected now? How did we get here? Where do we turn?

Yesterday, tragedy struck my hometown. A pedestrian was crossing the street and was fatally wounded by a truck. Guess how I found out? People were complaining on social media that traffic was at a stand still. Really? Really?? I am so stinking sorry your day was slowed. This victim’s family is also at a complete stand still and I would assume the same for the driver. I will not cast judgment on how the accident occurred nor where the blame may rest. What I saw were a lot of people commenting about how their day was interrupted when a horrific tragedy occurred. How did we get here? Where do we turn?

Many of my readers are aware that my father in law had a major health set back 3 months ago. He went in for routine elective knee replacement surgery (I will never use the word routine and surgery in the same sentence again, alas this is what the doctors called it). Minutes into the surgery his heart stopped. This was anything but routine and you bet your bottom dollar we would not have elected this! God showed His grace and we have our father in law with us today. It took weeks of rehabilitation and a second surgery weeks later to complete the knee replacement. This never should have happened, but it did. How did we get here? Where do we turn?

A month ago, my Uncle suffered a paralyzing stroke. He lives in Germany so communication can be difficult given the time differences and language barriers with doctors. Thanks to FaceTime and texting we have been able to keep up with his progress through his children. He is weak, but more determined than ever to get well. He is even walking with some assistance and a crutch for balance. How did we get here? Where do we turn?

When confronted with difficulty, confusion, tragedy and just plain messiness what are we to do? How can we find the sense to move forward, inhale another breath, or choose to find something to focus on that makes this world better for someone else? I could not have faced my own life’s tests without a loving God who begs me to focus on him. How did we get here? Well, sometimes it is free will. Sometimes it is dumb luck. Sometimes it is completely by accident and sometimes it is just the perfect storm. Regardless, we can not control the situations that come our way. We can control how we respond. I believe we must turn our focus on Christ. No, He will not offer answers to every situation. He will not tell us why tragedy strikes and why accidents happen, but He will love us through it when we ask Him to. Over the years I have become a worrier and a fearful person. I know fear is not from God and I have to ask each day that He give me courage. When nothing in this world makes sense and we begin to walk in the “world of me” our eyes are blinded and we have lost our focus on the One that matters. When I keep my eyes on the One,  I don’t need to worry about me, my husband, my children, my family or my friends. When I remain resolved to give it all to God then He knows my heart.

I can not fix the tragedies that keep happening in this messy world. I also can not keep up with the bad news, regardless of how many times a day I open the news apps. I do know that last week we celebrated Easter, and that is where I turn, and that is where I will keep turning. Jesus rose and left an empty tomb so that we might have hope. Was I there? Nope. Did I see the empty tomb? Nope. Have I seen His miracles in situations and people I know because they trust in Jesus? Oh you better believe it! I have no bone in my body that wants to see any more of this messy world. I wish our world was not where it seems to be these days. I do, however,  know to Whom I turn and His love will cover me, guide me and protect me.

© Copyright Gatewood Campbell, April 2016

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A Minute Equals a Lifetime

It has been more than a quick minute since I sat down to this blank screen to share. Over the last couple of months I have pondered the meaning and usefulness of this blog. If it serves nothing more than an avenue for me to throw caution to the wind and speak…as if I don’t do that on a daily basis…it is worthwhile.

Six and a half weeks ago I regained my driving privileges. Twenty two months ago I lost that. Do you know the county in which I live? New roads! New highways! Closed roads! New roundabouts! Can I tell you that the gas pumps are far more complicated now than they were 2 years ago? I wish all of you could have seen me pumping gas for the first time! It was comical in ways I can not describe! This week I refilled my tank without any issues and I was so excited I wanted to dance a jig at the gas tank. I wanted to shout to everyone that I figured it out. Alas, I realized people may think I was crazier than I really am, so I celebrated quietly…but I celebrated!

A month ago I realized my life changing accident had been more than 10 years ago. I look at my 12 year old, almost tall enough to look me eye to eye, and I recall looking at him just 16 months old and wondering how to move on. My oldest, now 17, was only 7, and in the first grade. We wrestled with how he might adjust to our changes. The morning of my accident I went and read a book to his classroom. It is engrained in my memory. I can recall all those innocent eyes looking into mine and waiting for each word. For the record, that teacher was the most incredible teacher my oldest ever had. Another sign that God’s hand was on our family. To this day when I see her, she calls my oldest by name and asks how he is doing. God’s plans, not ours.

Today I am registering that young man for housing at the college of his choice. Life has moved forward regardless of the obstacles that showed up. My son is writing his senior exit project about epilepsy, the treatment, the stigma and how life goes on. We have all grown in ways I can not describe because of this illness. I continue to see how my own health has opened the eyes of my children in ways I could not have taught them. They have learned by experience to show love, compassion and acceptance. These are traits I am glad my children exhibit.

Life goes on. In wealth, in health, in sickness and in death. Life goes on. What matters is that our foundation is firm. My foundation is in Jesus Christ. He is the creator and author of my life. Each day I must wake up and submit to His will for me. I must make the choice to trust in Him and only Him. He knows that I have a long list of reasons why I can not trust doctors! So I have to trust Him. Many days I awake forgetting to rest in Him. Those days spin right, left, up and down. I am reminded…in whom do I trust?

After nearly two years of seclusion I was not really ready to be thrust back into the world. I have had a bit of a culture shock. Over the weeks I have realized this, and begun to take things as they come, and as stupid as they come. I am not offended by those that beep their horn at me or give me the finger. “Move along” is what I say.

Before I was back on the road we had some rather large bumps that our family continues to work through each day. It serves as a blessed reminder to me to slow down and enjoy the road that I am allowed to travel. Today as I read my devotional, the first words said “Trust Me one day at a time…..Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don’t let your need to understand distract you from My presence.” I felt like a kid in the Presbyterian church and felt the need to close my book and bow my head repeating “this is the word of our Lord. Amen.” The devotion continued and reminded us that God equips us for each day, one day at a time and we will live in victory. “Trust Me one day at a time.”

This I must remind myself daily…trust in MY Lord one day at a time. I need not worry  about tomorrow because it will worry for itself. I must tell myself every day to lean on Him, share my worries with Him and He will carry me to the next day.

Thank you to those of you following my blog, praying for my family and praying for all good things to come to us. I am thankful for each of you as you are my adopted family willing to listen to my heart’s cry.

Copyright © March, 2016 Gatewood Campbell

 

 

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Just Like That… It is 2016

As if in denial, today I finally flipped the calendar over to January 2016. For those expecting me to be somewhere over the last 4 days and I wasn’t there, now you know why. I never looked at the calendar. Time keeps passing, as my Grandmother used to tell me it goes faster and faster and then one day it is as slow as a turtle.

Last year was a fun year for our family. Our oldest, a senior now, has been working a part time job for over a year now. He is drumming with several bands and lives in a room busting with drums, cymbals and a small corner which some may call a bed. And yes, he is a happy 17 year old in his element. We are anxiously waiting for college letters but his first choice is already IN so the pressure is off. I’m proud of that kid. He is an adult in so many ways and takes care of far more than many other kids his own age. He manages to take care of his brother and me anytime his dad isn’t with us. He steps in and as if by nature he fills whatever role is necessary. I’m finally getting used to looking UP to him in stature and he is showing us each day other reasons to look up to him. He is an incredible example for his brother and he is all that I wished for in a son. It seems like yesterday when I heard that sweet little nurse down the hall whisper “she’s pregnant” and now he is ready to fly away from our nest.

Our youngest is in his first year of middle school. He has adjusted well, although there were minor problems when the kid with whom he shares a locker kept accidentally butterflying their locker. That means locking it with the lock facing the wrong direction. With some detailed instructions from Hunter (and I will tell you with Hunter when he wants to tell you something he doesn’t just tell you in detail, he acts it out in detail) the locker situation has been fixed and he seems to be adjusting just fine. He is still playing baseball and loves every second on the field, in the backyard or in the batting cages. Johnny finally gave in to getting grass to grow in the front yard bare spots for the pitchers mound and the bases. It was a fight we would never win anyway. It is so fun to watch kids at this age as they begin to find what they enjoy. He loves his time with his friends and he loves his down time in his room with a good book. In so many ways he is the opposite of his brother and yes also, everything I wished for in a son. I am a lucky mom with the best of all the world.

Last year, as I looked into 2015, my hope was for a cure for epilepsy and seizures. We went to great lengths to find that. According to doctors we did not get the answers for which we went searching. Here is what I do know, my entire family and fellowship of friends will surround me with every anticipated need I have when the occasion arises. My mother will put aside her life for 9 days and take on mother/father to a tween and full fledged teenager at the drop of a hat. The house will stay clean, the kids will wear clean clothes, the dogs will stay fed and walked (bribing a 12 year old is legal in NC when you promise a car ride to school) and my family will eat much better than they ever have in their lifetime when we need it. My marriage can survive being locked in a 10×12 room, eating bland hospital food, with nothing but a lame cable network to pass the time for 9 days. Oh and not one time did he tell me I smelled bad which I KNOW I did after all that time hooked up to machines 24/7. My husband willingly became an expert on “Say Yes to the Dress” and I binge watched every episode of “Big Brother” in 2 days, yay Netflix. Thanks to some very special friends we had some hand selected meals brought to us along with good visits and some special treats delivered from family and friends from the UPS dude. He became a frequent visitor to our room and brightened each day.

I was determined that 2015 would be the year of my cure. The egomaniac doc on call insinuated the 9 day stay had been a waste of time because he didn’t find anything helpful. He was wrong. My cure is life.

What I found is that I can survive anything as long as I have my friends and family surrounding me with prayers and love in action. 2016 is my year for living fully with epilepsy. In just a few weeks I can drive again. Although with all these new roads I’m likely to get lost a lot, but I will crank up my music and enjoy the scenery as I attempt to find my way. I’m looking for a job. I want to love on people the way I loved on my Grandmother and the way others have loved on me. I have learned what fills my joy tank. I’m working on gaining confidence after being out of the working world for 8 years. I’m diligently finding time to spend with my son who is ready to leave our nest. I pray he is ready, confident and will be successful. He is ready to let his wings soar and I hope the world is ready for him!

My husband, my dedicated, committed, overall-wearing, yes we did just wrap plastic around our screen porch like our grandparents did…we celebrated 20 years of marriage this year. We had a week in Florida by ourselves for the first time since we got married! We made memories to last another 20 years…so you know who, can you mark us down for another week at your house in 20 years? He has held me when I cried, he has listened to me scream, he has encouraged me when I was in the depths and he has assured me that no matter how this or anything else changes me, he will never leave me. He cured every insecurity I may have. 2015 was a year of curing.

I emotionally look to this year with my son leaving but it does not escape me that I am blessed that our son will move on to college and we are here to see it. We lost some special friends and family this year, some of whom had a huge impact on our lives. They taught us to live in the moment, live without regret and take every opportunity that comes our way. They also taught us to give of ourselves what we can and indeed that is what I intend to do. Today is January 4, I think, and though it is way too quiet in my house, and I’m sitting at the window waiting for my son’s truck to come down the driveway, my life is so full of things I could never have imagined would be so over the top fantastic. Regardless of what the doc said, I found that for which I was looking. #livelifefullyn2016

Copyright © Gatewood Campbell, January 2016

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Overwhelmed with Gratitude

Friends and family, you have overwhelmed me with your love and support that you continue to show in a variety of ways. I really just have no words to express how you have filled my heart and reminded me that this will be ok. I have tried to respond to each of you individually but some days I have failed to get back to you. Forgive me for that and please understand that part of what I am doing is trying to be a bit easier on myself and lessen the pressure I have always put on myself to be everywhere and do everything regardless of how it might adversely affect my health. I am trying to simplify things as much as possible, with a rising 6th grader and a rising 12th grader while on drugs that make me certifiably crazy! I am going to miss Hunter’s first baseball games this season so if anyone wants to head up a highly obnoxious cheering section for my little catcher, I would welcome that! For now I am trying to be available for my family, prepare them for school and make sure I am comfortable with the plans for the kids while I am gone, especially not knowing how long I will be gone. I am reading your messages, your cards, your emails and listening to your voicemails. You give me strength to move forward into this phase and I am SO thankful for all the prayers being lifted on my behalf. People have already begun bringing meals and it is tremendously helpful. Stores are not exactly a comfort zone for me given recent events so the meals are feeding my soul. Thank you for the reminders that people are good, that people love and that people want to be involved and help us over this hurdle. Everyone can help by praying for one thing…answers. The last thing I want to do is put my body and my mind through this and not have any answers. I feel as if I am surrounded by a circle of love that is lifting me up and carrying me through this uncertainty and helping me overcome the stress and anxiety. You can always reach me via email at gcembracingchange@gmail.com.

I love each of you and I remain overwhelmed with gratitude that you are in our lives.

Copyright © Gatewood Campbell, August 2015

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Hold On!

“Hold My hand.”

Those are the first words to my devotion today from Jesus Calling. I stared at those words in awe; in awe of a generous, loving and wise God who gives us what we need right on time. And then it got even better. “I know every step of the journey ahead of you, all the way to heaven.” 

I know I sound like a broken record, but here I am again. The seizures haven’t stopped even with my brand name meds, which we had hoped would work. Most of the seizures have been small, short and manageable. I’m not sure at what point in my life I decided seizures were “manageable” when they are still happening, but that is where I am. It is not where I want to be. This past weekend I was in the grocery store. Hunter was with me while Justin kept the car and A/C running and I only needed a few necessities. In a matter of seconds I realized that something was off. I wanted to get to the car, and fast because this off was no good. Hunter pushed the buggy in front of me towards the door. I called for him to wait. He thought I forgot the bread. I wish I had just forgotten the bread. I stopped, grabbed the counter and held on. The world around me began shaking violently and I tried with all my might to focus on a sign. When I couldn’t, I knew this was going down now and this was going to be bad. I screamed “I need help!” An angel who was checking out near me turned and asked what was wrong. As I felt my knees begin to buckle beneath me I said “I’m going to have a seizure.” I asked her to help me get down on the ground and she gently guided me to the floor, slipping my shoes off and repeating “you are ok.” All I knew was I wanted down on the ground before the seizure took me down. As I have told people before it is all about saving the head!

The next few minutes were chaos. I could feel someone behind me keeping me upright, people were asking who knew me, store employees were yelling to call the ambulance and my angel customer was trying to find her reading glasses to make out the phone number on my medic bracelet. I was frozen, well not really, I was convulsing, but I was frozen, watching my 11 year old holding onto the buggy for dear life and trying to explain that his mom has epilepsy, his brother was in the car and calling out Johnny’s phone number all at the same time. As I watched my body, completely out of control and my son, now forced to be in control my heart broke. This was so NOT ok! Hunter rushed to get Justin. Like a man he calmly appeared, grabbing me and looking me right in the eyes repeating that it would be ok. He told the store manager I didn’t need an ambulance and he could handle it. My angel customer remained by our sides. Finally the seizing stopped and my tears and confusion started. Oh this scene… way too familiar and now far too often. My same angel took Hunter and loaded the groceries into the car and left Justin with me. As I sat on the floor, shoes off, between the customer service desk and the checkout line I wondered what people must think and how in the world did all of this happen? How in the world did the last nine years happen?

This sucks. I have no other words for it. Not being able to be the person I want to be, not being able to do what I want to do; it all sucks. That sums it up.

When we got back in the car I was able to talk to Johnny on the phone. With his voice of reason and strength, he told me we had tried every resource we had and it was time to call the doctor and push forward. So this is where I am, on this path with really no options. So we push forward. On September 8th, I will be admitted to the Epilepsy Unit at Duke. They will take me off all my meds and hook me up to machines and monitors and we will wait for me to have enough seizures that the doctors can identify the part of my brain that is causing the problem. Someone will have to stay with me all day and night and I won’t be able to leave the room. This is our last resort. That means this is our last option, not a Resort where we look forward to staying.

I did not want to do this. I have fought this option for months. Who actually asks to have seizures? No meds? Are you kidding me? I know I will be safe and it could lead to answers but the emotional and physical strain seems unbearable to me.

Then I opened my devotional and it said “Hold My hand.” Huh, sort of profound. “I will guide you carefully along today’s journey. Don’t worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My Presence and staying in step with Me.” Well now, straight up, I do NOT want to be out of step with God. Though when I get to heaven I want to know why He didn’t make my steps a little more sturdy, but I want to be in step! This weekend, just hours before my seizure our Youth Pastor said something so simple yet so huge it took my breath away. He reminded us of the saying we repeat that God will only give you what you can handle. He told us that was as false as it gets. He told us that God gives us what we need so that we continually look to Him and put all of our faith and our trust in Him. Holy guacamole Batman! I never ever thought about that. Yes, God will constantly guide us to put more faith and more trust in Him. This isn’t a test, He is just reminding me that He is God. He is in control, and I must relinquish control to Him. He has got this and He has had it all along AND He knows what is around the bend. Take His hand and follow.

I’m scared, don’t misunderstand. I do not want to do this, but this is the path God has set me on and He will not leave me. I never know what this blog is really accomplishing. Am I shedding light on this unseen, sorely underfunded and misunderstood disorder or is it a source for me to compile my thoughts in an organized way so that I can see God’s hand at work? I hope it accomplishes both. It is a way for me to reach beyond my walls that continue to close in on me and speak to a world about what millions of us experience everyday. I’m scared and I know everyone reading this has experienced fear and survived it. You give me strength to face tomorrow.

I covet your prayers, I covet your generosity and I covet your love…for all of us. Know that my faith in this process begins with my faith in My HUGE God. I’m putting that in print, so please remind me, when I question, when I cry and when I fail to look to Him to see me through, please remind me that He is holding my hand. I AM holding onto Him and this will be ok.

As a side note, we will be welcoming help with some logistics… transportation and meals, while I am at Duke. More on that to come. I thank you in advance for your help!

Copyright © Gatewood Campbell, August 2015