I exhaled yesterday and inhaled a new breath of peace and tranquility. This past year has been one full of seizures, tests, 9 days in the hospital with tests and this past week 4 more days of testing. I did not realize how this constant calendar waiting for the next test, waiting for the results and what might be around the corner has kept me wound up like a stretched out slinky needing to be set free in order to regain its proper shape.
Yesterday I finished a 4 day EEG that was done at home. I managed to hide all the wires and my battery pack and attempt to go about my routine as best I could. The wonderful nurse who removed my leads had also been my nurse in the hospital. She remembered me…the name of course. She was again so kind, so gentle and had a sense of humor about the whole process. She was encouraging, and she did a fantastic job of removing the leads without stripping my head of hair. Bonus!
I got home and with my head still wrapped in acetone that was breaking down the glue I fell asleep for at least 2 hours. I woke up and felt a relief that I have not felt in a very long time. It has been close to 2 years since this roller coaster began and though it is not over, God has given me peace and knowledge that He has got my back. I have known that, I have told myself that, but now I feel it. We are human, and we always try to do all that we humanly can to be smart, be in the game and be on our toes. My family and I have done that, largely with the support of our community, both near and far, that provided tangible needs and prayer to carry us. But when I woke up I almost could hear God saying “I got this”.
Psalm 103:2-5 says “Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. He forgives all your sin; He heals all your diseases. He redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” This verse really speaks to how I feel now. Healing comes in all forms and I must remind myself of that. He has showered me with His love and the outpouring of love from our friends and our family. Though I am limited in some ways, there are many ways in which my youth is renewed because of so many good things.
As we look around it is easy to throw up our hands and give up. So much senseless agony, sadness and despair. But as we throw our hands up we must also point to the giver of life and welcome Him in our lives as our healer, comforter and provider…our Savior. I don’t have all the answers and certainly don’t claim to. I watched my Grandmother welcome death because she knew life was on the other side. I watched our dear friend Will Terry die and he did not fight it because he too, knew Jesus was on the other side. Life can be long in years but when death comes it can feel so short. We must embrace each moment as if it were the last. Our Lord will give us love and compassion as we turn to Him.
As a mom, I sit back and watch my children grow. I don’t like saying good bye to them in the mornings because I miss them every minute that they are gone. This is our last year with our oldest. He has been busy applying to colleges, and THANK YOU LORD, he was persistent and got the apps in early so the pressure is off. We trust that acceptances and opportunities will come that God has already sifted through. We know that he will look to God for the answer as to where he should go and for that we are thankful. Opportunities that we never dreamed have come his way for him to increase his musical skills and we are proud and thankful to God for His guidance.
Our youngest, well, for those that know him, he is still himself without apologies. He keeps us on our toes, but I am thankful for that sometimes aimless personality, and we are thankful that he knows when to reign it in a bit and when to let loose. He reminds us that life should be lived minute to minute and to embrace each minute. His laugh is contagious, even when I can’t understand a word he is saying because he is laughing so hard, we just all laugh together.
My husband, the rock of our family, the solid foundation upon which we have built our 20 years of marriage and raised 2 incredible boys. God blessed me.
For the first time in a very long time I feel good. I have a home filled with love, gratitude and warmth. We are surrounded by an incredible community of help and prayer. I have left no stone unturned in our search for answers and I find great peace in that, although the battle was really never mine. God has always had my back. God refines each of us with many different methods. I am glad He loves me enough to refine me. I pray He will find me like gold as I call upon His name.
Copyright © Gatewood Campbell, November 2015