The Four Letter F Word

F E A R. It can absolutely paralyze you. It has paralyzed me.

I know we should not fear. I know Jesus teaches us to live by faith. Everyone tells me not to be afraid. But it is so easy to tell someone not to be afraid. I’m afraid that a brief moment of confusion is an oncoming seizure. I’m afraid that the loud echo of a stereo is actually an oncoming seizure. I’m afraid that the persistent beeping of registers in a store is actually a sound being created in my head indicating a seizure. I’m afraid that if something catches my eye, there might not be anything there and my world is about to shake violently. I’m afraid that when things suddenly slow down they are about to speed up very quickly. I’m afraid of another concussion. I’m afraid that people will be afraid to be around me because they will fear I will have a seizure in front of them. I’m afraid of having a seizure in public. I’m afraid parents won’t want their kids to come play with my children because they fear I can’t adequately supervise them.  I’m afraid that maybe I can’t adequately supervise them. I’m afraid the seizures will never stop. I’m afraid of going to sleep one night and being taken by epilepsy.

I am trying so hard. I know I am fortunate. I know it could be so much worse. I know there are so many other people dealing with far worse situations. I know I should be focusing on the things that are good and not the things to fear. I know what Jesus has taught us to have faith and not to fear. I hear what each of you are telling me. I’m trying, I really am. But this F E A R, right now it is just paralyzing.

© Copyright Gatewood Campbell, February 2014


6 thoughts on “The Four Letter F Word

  1. Meg says:

    You are so BRAVE to be able to post your feelings and, in turn, help others to feel that we are not alone. Please continue doing what you are doing. Prayers coming your way.

  2. pam says:

    I hope that giving voice to your fears helps them subside, and that the prayers and good wishes of those reading your posts and loving you from afar give you strength to vanquish your fears.
    You go girl!!

  3. wookie says:

    Fear is normal. It is paralyzing. It is hard, hard to move through it, to move at all. I believe in you. You are strong, and you are brave. Emmer taught you that and you are her star pupil as well as her favorite! Be easier on your self. Mom

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