Tag Archives: Life

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Returning Thanks

I have been enjoying reading thankful posts from my friends during November. Each day I have thought of something for which I am grateful. November is Epilepsy Awareness Month and our family has been busy participating and I have not slowed down enough to write down so many things for which I am thankful. So here goes…

Blessed with Much, Thankful for Much and Eternally Molded by Much.
This Thanksgiving I am thankful for
The promise of eternity in heaven with my Lord and Savior;
our warm home;
food to eat;
clothing for my family;
my husband, my children and all the ways they generously love me;
my mother, my grandmother and the combination of the two that I have become;
my brother and my sister in law that love me in all the right moments;
my mother and father in law who love without ceasing, in word and in deed;
mercy and grace from God and those close to me;
friends that love me without judgement;
my Mother’s friends that love me as their own;
teachers that understand boys;
The Pines staff that loved my Emmer as their own;
Montreat, all that she was, is, will be and all those that come along with her;
the beach that teaches me to release my burdens with the tide;
driving by myself;
the ability to run and the ability to pay it forward;
the ability to understand the misunderstood;
the color purple and all who proudly wear it;
the power of fearless sharing;
kind words and smiles from strangers;
random acts of kindness;
patience from a sales clerk;
family traditions;
making new memories;
and a concussion that changed our lives forever.

© Copyright Gatewood Campbell, November 2013

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Walking on Two Again

For the last 25 years I have been a three legged woman. I have walked with my Grandmother and my Mom. I resemble them, in looks, in speech and in manner. All of it makes Johnny tremble, with a bit of fear and a lot of laughter. That is the way we do it. We laugh and we press on.

Thanksgiving is a week away. The Workman clan won’t be at the corner window table devouring delectable dishes from The Pines this Thanksgiving. We are plunging into muddy waters that are unknown and feel a bit frigid. This is uncomfortable. Crazy indeed, but I miss the anxiety created by Holidays. My Grandmother always pretended the Holidays made her more nervous than joyful, but I know the truth.  She loved each Holiday and awaiting the arrival (yes I was always late and Mom was always early) of our family and watching the boys devour an embarrassing amount of food from the buffet. She loved watching the choices my children made and she encouraged them to treat themselves to two desserts on Holidays. The grits were always their favorite; I think it was the heavy cream. She ate like a bird so she could take in every moment of those memorable meals.

For so many years Mom, Emmer and I were the three legged human. Sometimes I think we were more like a kangaroo where two feet did the work while one was carried in the pouch. We took turns being the Mother of us all. Though I will say my Grandfather coined the phrase “mother of us all” when referencing me in his genealogy some 30 years ago. Brilliant man!

There is no pouch anymore. There are two legs now and we have to walk.  Emmer taught us well. She trained us well.  I trust she delights in her own humor and spirit that Mom and I display. I am not walking alone. We demonstrate the sincerity, the determination and the (sometimes brutal) honesty that my Grandmother taught us both. This Thanksgiving I will walk on two legs, sometimes one of mine and one of Mom’s and sometimes just my own. Regardless they bare the weight of life lessons that make me the person I am today.

I miss her deeply. In the end, I am grateful, for Emmer, that she has finally found her resting place. I will forever treasure my years of loving her, laughing with her, crying with her and learning from her. Enjoy your Thanksgiving at home Emmer. We love you and we miss you. Above all, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for you.

© Copyright Gatewood Campbell, November 2013

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Mommy Needed a Time-Out

Raise your hand if your life is entirely too busy, over-scheduled and over-worked with overlapping activities. All hands up? Yep, welcome to the American way. It’s probably the same all over the world, I just don’t have much worldwide first hand experience. I do know that Germans know how to Holiday, but when they are not on Holiday, it’s work work work.

This year hasn’t been the easiest, emotionally or physically, for myself or for my family. Eventually it takes its toll. I love traveling to destinations to run races, but the problem is that the only time I get away from the “mommy role” is to leave town and run 13.1 or 26.2 miles. I call it pleasure travel, but at some point you have to question the pleasure of running races. You runners know what I mean, and you non runners will absolutely think that is not relaxing in any way, shape or form. It does give a reasonable excuse to eat some divine food while traveling though!

This past weekend I left town for 26 hours for no other reason than to just do nothing at all. For the first time since I became a Wife and a Mother, I realized I needed a time-out. I needed to be alone so my brain could completely shut down. If you know me at all, you know where I go when I need to be refueled. Montreat called my name when I heard some of my girlfriends would be there for the weekend. Mom arranged for me to stay with someone I had never met, with whom I now adore, and as soon as Hunter’s baseball game was over I headed west.

As I began the steep incline up I-40 from Old Fort I felt my shoulders sink back into place, my neck muscles relaxed and my chin began to raise a bit higher. My eyes were wider and my hands released the tight grip on the steering wheel. Peace… I was headed that way and it caught up to me before I could get there.  My phone rang as I crested the mountaintop on I-40. The girls were waiting for me with dinner prepared. Oh my goodness! I didn’t have to fix dinner? I didn’t have to fix food for my family? If I just wanted a banana for dinner then that was fine, I didn’t still have to fix food for the 3 hungry boys in my house? Weird… but it made me smile!

I spent the next 26 hours doing…. um…. nothing. I got caught up with my friends, we vented, we shed some tears and we offered advice and loved on each other. Later that evening, I pulled out the blankets I keep in the car for baseball games and found a place on the banks of Lake Susan to cuddle up. The only lights were from Assembly Inn and their reflections on the very still water of Lake Susan. I listened to the crickets chatting and the joyful noises of a choir lifting praise. I assumed they were either preparing for their service the next day or perhaps celebrating the close of their weekend retreat. I think two hours passed as  watched people walk over the dam, watched the ripples in the water as fish came up for food, hummed along to the familiar music and listened to the world God gave us to enjoy.

Too often we are caught up in scheduling all that is available to us and we forget to enjoy was is GIVEN to us. I’m guilty of not wanting to miss a great opportunity, not wanting my kids to miss out on something or not wanting to be the only one that doesn’t take advantage of something exciting. Guess what? Something exciting is going on all around us, all the time! It’s free and it’s always available! Trouble is, we are so busy scheduling in some other something that we miss it altogether. God created Earth the way He did with intentions for us to enjoy it.

Here is what I know, even with the 97 long years that my Grandmother had on Earth, it was “a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” (James 4:14) Because of the challenges life has brought me, I have learned to worry less about the future and live life one day and a time, doing the best I can to take advantage of each day that I’m given to breathe on this beautiful planet created just for us. Taking advantage of life doesn’t necessarily mean putting something on the calendar, unless maybe we just need to put “30 minute walk outside” on the calendar to be sure we do it.

God created a cyclical world so that it refuels itself. We are included in that cycle and it was created so that it refuels us as well. Sometimes we just need to continue exhaling until our stomach reaches our vertebrae so that we can fully inhale all that is around us. Life isn’t about slowing down long enough to take a breath. Life is about engaging in what God gave us. Engaging means we stop, look, listen and then inhale the glory that surrounds us so that we can exhale beauty back into the world.

Mommy needed a time-out. It was long overdue and I learned a lesson. Opportunities for time-outs are everywhere, even right here as I listen to a bird chirping outside my window. When I listen to the different chirping chatter, I realize God created each bird a little different from another, just as he created us. We are all a little different from each other. No one is exactly alike. No one person can replace another person. God made only one, so we are responsible for protecting that one, refueling that one, and allowing His peace to invade that one. Then, and only then can that one person fulfill the purpose that God intended.

Making the best of each day does not mean doing everything. It means becoming everything that God purposed for us, in the simplest and purest form in which he created each one of us. Each ONE of us,and there is only ONE of us…. each ONE of us is what keeps the cycle moving. You are valuable, so take a time-out when you need to. God created the world to allow time for time-outs too.

Assembly Inn in the moonlight

Assembly Inn in the moonlight

© Copyright Gatewood Campbell, October 2013

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About Me

It has taken me a long time to find the strength to update my bio without including my role as a granddaughter. I grasp the concept that my Grandmother no longer answers the phone when I call, but her voice, her wit, her style and her legacy are with me each day. My days with her changed my life forever and she would want me to use that for good, for myself and for others. So, here it is….the updated bio about me…

Call me a wife, call me a mom, call me a daughter and call me a friend. I’m closing in on 40 and have reached that point in life where we look back at where we thought life would take us, compare that to where we are and focus our sights on what is next. My future holds the fast paced life with a high schooler and a high energy elementary student. Our boys keep us expecting the unexpected with their love of life and desire to divert from the crowd and be themselves. I am one proud mama!

I’m self-sufficient, independent and I don’t like change. I prefer the organized to the unorganized and I like to have a plan. Ten years ago, with 2 beautiful boys, our family was complete. I was ready to take on the next chapter in my life. I made my health a priority and rid my body of an unnecessary 75 lbs. I had a goal, I had a plan and I lost the weight…and I have kept it off for 9 years. After that, I decided to run a half marathon. I had a goal, I had a plan, and I ran 13.1 miles. Ready for more of a challenge, I decided to run a full marathon. Goal, plan, 26.2 miles; done. Clearly there was a consistency in my approach to life. I moved on in my career too. I was finally developing and running my own programs. I felt like I was on the verge of really blossoming in every area of my life. And then…I had to run an errand for a project at work. I walked into Target, and was later taken out on a gurney. I slipped and fell in the store. My head suffered the impact of my fall. I woke up in the hospital. That was the first of several ambulance rides that year. That fall was over 8 years ago. The results of my errand to Target will stay with me for the rest of my life. I was diagnosed with a Mild Traumatic Brain Injury and eventually developed Post Traumatic Epilepsy, both due to a simple fall in the trashcan aisle.

Since then I have learned to live without a plan. I have learned to live with the unexpected. I have learned there is power in asking for help and there is power in accepting help. There is a greater power in taking the difficult experiences, turning them right side up and paying it forward in a positive way. I’ve learned that adjustment is a necessity. Since that day in Target, I walked away from my career and embraced a life that is full of all that matters most. I flow freely between wife, mom and daughter. I have completed 9 half marathons and 4 full marathons. Through many of those races I raised thousands of dollars to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and the Epilepsy Therapy Project. I’m evolving into an advocate for epilepsy awareness by sharing my own experiences and learning from those who have been where I am.

I have a brain injury and I have epilepsy but they will never define me and they will not limit me from setting big goals. I have learned to adjust and I have learned to change. Change can be eternalIy powerful if we use it correctly. I have learned the positive value of embracing change and remind myself to be thankful everyday for the gift of seeing the sun in the sky and walking (even running) on my own two feet.

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© Gatewood Campbell, July 2013

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At the Cross…again

February never passes by without some introspective thoughts. FYI- Don’t look for me in Target tomorrow. I’m not very superstitious and I don’t believe that because something happens once it will happen again, but I certainly don’t push my luck when I can help it.

As upturned as my life became on February 28, 2005, I did finally settle into a happy, rewarding and satisfied new world. It took almost 2 years to sort it out and know where God wanted me. When I was brought to a crossroads, God led me to the Cross. When I chose the road less traveled I knew His blessings were on me and He would carry me into unchartered territory. He would carry my burdens and hold me in His tender care during those uncomfortable months until I became settled.

I enjoyed every moment of the next 2 years while I still had Hunter had home with me. Having been a working mom when Justin was little, I cherished the days Hunter and I had together and we anxiously awaited the big yellow bus every afternoon when Justin would get home.

When Hunter started school, I flinched momentarily, wondering what moments would take my breath away just as being at home with the boys had. The transition was short as we all realized I had been created for such a time as this. My Grandmother was well into her 90’s and though she kept a busy social schedule, it was obvious she needed a bit of help to make her day to day life a bit easier. Everyone knew, without even discussing it, that I would help fill this role in her life while my boys were in school.

It’s worth noting here that I have realized some things about my Grandparents that I had not before adequately acknowledged. Since my Grandmother’s death, I have poured over family mementos they left behind. They were smart, intuitive and wise beyond their years. Quite frankly, they just seemed to know how our roles would play out before it was even reasonable to think that far ahead.

I was reading the Workman family genealogy that my Grandfather spent his retirement researching back to the early 1700’s and when our descendants left Ireland in 1772 and arrived in America. While my Grandmother was busy as “an indefatigable worker toward establishing a Retirement Community in Davidson” (my Grandfather’s own description of his bride in our genealogy), he kept himself busy researching in grand detail our family. He then, nearly legally blind himself, painstakingly typed on an old school manual typewriter everything he had unearthed. On December 12, 1986 he gave each of us his finished work, photocopied and assembled in a simple 3 hole punched paper notebook. As I flipped through the pages I found myself, Mary Gatewood Payne (II, D, 4, c, (8) (d) 2, *b) ….I told you it is detailed! Then I read his description of me when I was only 13 years old, “Mother of us all.” My mind raced back to that moment in front of his grave when God spoke to me at a crossroads in my life and told me which direction to follow. And now here I see in black and white, I think my Grandfather knew all along which road I would take.

When my Grandmother moved into healthcare over 2 years ago we worked quickly to pack up and move all her personal belongings from her apartment. As I was cleaning out their old cedar chest from storage and packing up books, photo albums and the massive amount of things my Grandfather kept from his time serving in WWII as Chaplain on the USS Granville, I came across some books wrapped up in a white garbage bag. The label on the bag read “For Gatewood (my caretaker). My scrapbook and senior year college annual. Love, Emmer”. That cedar chest had not been opened in years and the white bag was in the very bottom. “My caretaker”, how in the world could she have known that was the role I would fill in her life? I knew she had labeled the bag long before the events in my life led me to her side. How did she know? How did he know when I was 13 that I was being molded and shaped to become a mother to more than just my own children? Wise and intuitive beyond their years!

She became more than a Grandmother over these last years. She was my friend, and we had a connection that was visible to those who saw us together. I could hear in her voice what she needed before she even told me. She knew when things were going on in our lives even when we didn’t tell her. On many occasions she would call me early in the morning because she had been awakened in the night and knew one of her children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren was in need. I learned quickly not to try to play off her instincts. She knew that she knew, and she was not one with whom you tried to sugar coat the obvious. I miss her. Her loss is huge and none of us realized the extensive impact our beloved matriarch had during her 97 years.

So here I am, 8 years after the accident that led me to her. She has finally been reunited with her groom and she has found everlasting peace. I’m fairly certain they are enjoying their afternoon cocktails and unsalted Planters peanuts (served out of old peanut jar lids so it’s portioned appropriately) together again. And, I am at another crossroads; where grief, anger and denial meet with the road that leads me into the unknown. I keep thinking I will unearth some note from years earlier where she has written what is next for me when she is gone. My role as a granddaughter has come to an end. In some ways it feels similar to the time when my role as an employee ended. But this time, even as I sit at the Cross, I haven’t heard God’s direction for this crossroad. The silence is painful, but when He has not answered then I know His answer for now is to wait.

My resumé is a little shorter now, wife, mother and daughter. Tomorrow will come and go, not without a lot of memories to pass the time, but tomorrow will end. It will mark another moment in time where I’m trying to embrace change, accept my brain injury, live with epilepsy and learn to wait.

Copyright © Gatewood Campbell, April 2013