Tag Archives: Faith

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What if _______?

What if __________? How many times have we said this to ourselves or asked someone else this same question and filled in the blank with an unthinkable fear or event? As I look around the news today it seems this blank is being filled in by horrific and tragic events every single day. Some of it is avoidable by choice and some of it, I believe is unavoidable. But when these things happen, how do we respond so that when the blank is filled in by something else, our response is better?

It is no secret that fear permeates every area of my life and I work each day to remove it. Fear is not from God. When I fear then I’m displaying a lack of trust in God. Each time fear enters my mind, I must remind myself that my faith is in Jesus Christ and He will protect me from that which can harm me. My fear of seizures, my fear of living the rest of my life dependent on others, my fear of never being able to work again, my fear of the stigmas that surround epilepsy…these are reasonable. Oh, and my fear of Target…totally reasonable. But, when I look at these things that I fear, and I look BACK on them, I see how these things that I fear “drove me” to the places I have been over the last 8+ years. All those years, God was protecting me and seeing me through life.

My life circumstances took me to a cross roads many years ago. I had to decide whether to continue working in full time ministry or walk away. In some ways I felt I was giving into the seizures, but most of all I heard God telling me it was time…time to go onto something better, in a supportive environment of love and understanding. Leaving full time work for no job may seem insane, but when I heard God tell me it was time for my family and for me, I knew He would protect me from harm. In the years that followed my Mom successfully battled cancer. She needed me, and God had seen to it that I would be there. I spent 6 years caring for my Grandmother, an experience that changed my life forever. Had I not known, had I not seen, had I not experienced the dependence that she would feel and need, I never would have been able to care for her the way I did. Those 6 years with her brought many tears of pain, but more tears of joy and laughter as we both accepted each other just the way we were. We never wasted time putting on a fake face and it was common for both of us to lower our glasses and see eye to eye in any given discussion or decision. She was from a different generation where the words epilepsy and seizures were never said. Strange how all those years she referred to “that thing you have” because she just couldn’t say it. Maybe she never accepted it, but we both knew that “it” gave me time for her. God had allowed me to go to dark places so that I could shine His light where she was.

I will NEVER forget the sheer joy my oldest had on his face, as a 3rd grader, when I told him there would be no more after school care for him because Mom would be at home. He stood in disbelief, making sure it was not a cruel joke and then he erupted in bliss. This would be good. Seizures brought me home, God protects us from harm and gives us better, WHEN we put Him first.

Now, this life change has been no bed of roses. Don’t misunderstand me. My point is that I can not fear. Notice I put this in present terms, and not past terms. For me, this is a daily practice that I must do in present terms! BUT, my past experiences have proven time and time again that I should not fear. God will protect me from harm, BUT I must trust Him first. “He must increase, but I must decrease.” I must work and learn and devote time to increasing Him in my life and decreasing myself. This, I have learned is the key to overcoming the fears that surround us.

There are valid things around us to fear. The unthinkable and the unspeakable and the unreasonable happens around us everyday. As believers, we are called to center our focus on God. He will help us through. I have witnessed this and I have no doubt that only God protected. HE must increase, but I must increase. I must make God my target; yes I realize what I just wrote. When He is my focus, then He gives strength. No, He will not tell us why, and no he can not take away the pain. With God as our focus He will protect us and see us through the challenges of life.

What if …I increase Him, and decrease me? What if you increase Him, and decrease you? What if we challenge those around us to do the same? I wonder what news we might hear…?

Copyright © Gatewood Campbell, June 2015

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He Loves Me This Much

The days seem to be getting longer and the walls around me are a bit smaller. This year has been long. It’s not over yet.

Every morning I kiss my three man boys good bye and I turn and look at my dogs. We sort have this stand off and I have this looming lump in my throat hoping the hours while the kids are at school will pass quickly. The house will be too quiet and I will be alone again. This has been my routine for nearly a year now. Laundry, cleaning, dishes…pretty boring. I almost put up the Christmas tree last week. I thought that was pushing it. A year… I have learned so much about myself and my God in this last year.

As God as become my constant listener and best friend, I have heard Him too. He loves me this much that He allowed epilepsy to rest on me. There is no answer to why. There is no answer to what will happen next. There is no real reason to fear, because God is always in control, and God always loves me. He will never, ever leave me. Don’t get me wrong, this disorder hurts, the isolation, fear of the next seizure, or straying too far from home all scare me, but with God’s help I try to overcome these things as much as possible. God is sovereign.

Our whole family must rest in His sovereignty or we wouldn’t survive. How would my husband get through a workday without trusting God to care for me? How do either of us get through any day at all with our son on the road now without trusting God to watch over him? I venture out alone because I have to feel some independence. Is there some danger? Sure. Is God in control? Absolutely. Ultimately, in my deepest being I believe God is a kind and loving God and He wants me to depend on Him with all that I am. I think epilepsy is the only way I can do this…grrrr… So he loves me this much. He chose this for me. So my choice is to love Him back, trust Him, and depend on Him for whatever comes next.

November is National Epilepsy Awareness Month. Honestly this last year has beat me down that I’m too exhausted to creatively and energetically spread the word. That frustrates me too. Johnny tells me I’m too hard on myself, but 1 in 26 have this and 60,000 in the US will die from Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy, so this still needs a voice. Locally, Mayor Swain signed a Proclamation declaring November as Epilepsy Awareness Month in the Town of Huntersville. My son is having the annual Purple Day at Huntersville Elementary on Nov 14 and Mayor Swain is even stopping by to visit the classrooms and help spread awareness that day. Would you wear purple on Nov 14 to support Hunter’s Purple Day too? Our family is in purple everyday this month, but for one day, that would be pretty cool. Johnny and I were in Charlotte Sunday night to see the Duke Energy building shining purple over Charlotte. More people are talking, less people are whispering, more research is being done, and maybe one day we will have a cure.

Until then, I rest in the peaceful knowledge that God loves me this much, He didn’t give me this and then forget me.

Copyright © Gatewood Campbell, November 2014

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Almost There, But I Wouldn’t Change What I Learned

I’m wrapping up two weeks of vacation in my favorite place on earth. My family has had laughter, rest, time to catch up with family and best friends and a lot of good food while we celebrate the 4th of July and then some.

As these last few weeks have passed I have thought about the first few days since December 2nd when Mom started her cancer treatment and I pushed the button to wait to cross the street on Morehead and woke up later in the ER. I could not have dreamed the scenario that would unfold. Goodness, it seems like years ago. Months later, Mom is so healthy now. She is strong, full of life, and full of strong blood cells!! I too am much stronger, shaken, but stronger, deep down, in ways people can not see, in ways you can not touch, but in ways that I know I can reach when in need.

I have learned that God is there, always listening, my partner in everything, ready, always on call, in ways I did not fully recognize previously. In my loneliness He can comfort, in my weakness He is my strength, when I am dizzy, He straightens my path, when my words are lacking, He finds them, when my days are too long, He gives me rest, when confusion is too much, He gives me my husband, my sons, my Mom or my best friend to explain on my behalf, when danger may linger, He sends a stranger to call for help, when in need, He has surrounded us with a crowd of sacrificial friends willing to help with rides, food and anything else we have needed. God IS our provider, in every sense of the word.

I have missed my Grandmother and thought of her every single day since she died. Many of those days have felt like my life was spinning out of control and yet I was glad she wasn’t here because I knew it would be too painful for her to be here and see the pain our family was going through. It made me thankful again that God took her when He did to relieve her of that burden. God is so good. Just another reminder of how He has comforted me even through death.

I still have 5 days before I can hold the keys to the car in my hands again and I am cautious as I wait for that day. I know anything can happen between now and then. The difference is, if it’s bad, it will suck, we will survive, as a family, with the help of our extended family, because our God will carry us through anything we ask Him to help us through. I’m still processing the reality that I will deal with epilepsy and the possibility of seizures for the rest of my life, but I will continue to use my filter-less mouth to bring as much awareness to this disorder as I can. There has to be purpose in this brain trauma somewhere, right???

So if you had not been able to drive yourself anywhere for 7 months where might be the first place you would go? Good question right? I have several doctor appointments next week…boring. My oldest needs supplies for his upcoming mission trip…big stores and I don’t have a good record, plus he has to do that with me. We need groceries…boring. Well, just so happens I have an amazing brother and sister in law who keep me stocked in massage gift cards! SCORE! I have already booked a Wednesday morning massage! What better place to drive for my first day out, right? A little pampering for me! Yay for my awesome bro and sis in law who know how to spoil me! Can’t wait!

I wish I could thank everyone that has helped us but I know I would forget someone and I have a terrible fear of leaving people out. So please know that if you have helped us in any way, you have been prayed for because of the gift you gave our family. You made what could have been a horrible 7 months much easier for all of us. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

© Gatewood Campbell, July 2014

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Finding It

I am allowing myself to count, or at least I am telling you I am counting. I can see the end of this trial. I am no longer counting in weeks but I am counting in days. We have had so many countdowns going on around here with the end of EOGs, EOCs, exams, school, leaving for camp, Montreat, Justin’s 16th birthday and when Mom can drive. It has been hard to keep up with which countdown we are discussing! One thing is certain, my quiet house is suddenly full of voices and that makes me so happy.

I have had a LOT of time to digest the changes to our lives that epilepsy and brain injury brought me. Some days felt like forever. Justin had to get up at 5:25 for school. Yes, it is insane. Then round two starts at 6:45. Then it is just the dogs and me until 3pm. For several months I couldn’t work out and honestly I just slept most of the day. I was so drugged up playing with so many medications I didn’t know which end was up waiting until July felt like eternity. Mom was sick, I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t even grasp how she was because I couldn’t get to her and I was angry. I hated being dependent on people every time I needed to go anywhere. I felt so much pressure to have my act completely together anytime I asked anyone for anything because I knew I was already inconveniencing someone and I didn’t want to be any extra trouble.

You do not know what real freedom is until you don’t have it anymore. Truly, there were days, 3 or 4 in a row where I did not leave the house. Sure I walked the dogs. But days that I did not get in the car, did not have the need to, as Emmer would say “put myself together” and get out. I know how she felt those last years when she was stuck in her room in healthcare and she didn’t know what day it was. Were it not for the kids coming home at 3pm the beds wouldn’t have been made and I probably wouldn’t have showered. Everyday, by 3pm, the house was presentable and I was at least physically presentable. Some days were wonderful, some were normal, some were sad, some were dark and desperate. I had never faced the reality that I will live with epilepsy and seizures for the rest of my life. I always planned that we would control it with medicine and I wouldn’t have to worry with it. That is the most likely case, but I do need to be prepared for the possibility that may not happen. There is always the chance that I will have more seizures and be back in this same place again. Mentally I needed to swallow that big pill, along with another 5 or so. I have seen that I can do this. If I have a seizure tomorrow and the clock restarts we will all deal with what comes our way. Our Lord is ever faithful. He has shown me that, day in and day out. When I was on my knees in prayer and when I was on my knees in tears. He was, is and will be faithful.

The little things have meant so much. People have called and made time to take me to lunch. Those were days I really looked forward to. I got to put myself together! I have a couple of special friends that would drop notes in the mail every so often just to say hello and they were thinking of me. Those notes always arrived on days that I needed a little extra hug. To me, weekly rides for the kids were huge, but the people providing them say they were little so I’ll call them little. These little rides home from Chess Club, baseball practice and games, church, small group, drum lessons, play dates, sleepovers, I could go on and on. Several people have taken on my kids for this entire seven months and are transporting them where they need to be on a weekly basis. They show up without reminders and it means all the world to me. These adults willing to go out of their way mean our kids don’t have to sacrifice something they enjoy because of my health. As parents you all know what that means to us. These are the things I remember…quiet acts of kindness.

Getting moving again. This was a hard one. The doctor wouldn’t let me work out for some time after my seizures. Then she let me slowly begin walking and lifting weights on a modified routine. Anyone who has worked out on any level of intensity knows that you lose it very quickly. I had run a half marathon in mid November and my first seizure was Dec 2nd. By the time I was finally allowed to work out in March I was up more than a few pounds and down more than a few levels of strength and endurance. Frustrated to say the very least! I didn’t want to run with anyone because I was too slow. People at the gym were generous when my instructor told the class about my situation and I had many offers for rides to class. So I followed the rules with weights and began to see progress there. This running thing, this was a different beast. I had been walking so I thought I would be able to run without too much trouble. One stinking mile. Tears tears tears. I felt so pathetic. The road has been my go to for years now. It’s my zone and if ever I needed a zone it was now. If I can’t have running this is just not gonna work for me. I felt so defeated. For weeks I would try to go out and run. Sometimes I would manage a couple, maybe 3 miles, other days hardly 1. I would try consoling myself by saying at least I was doing it. I wasn’t consoled. I felt robbed. It would take me back to that angry place again, angry that this epilepsy had stolen something else from me. Then, in those moments He would speak to me, through the lyrics to music.

“I don’t know where to go from here. As long as I know that You are near. I’m done fighting. I’m finally letting go. I will trust in You. You’ve never failed before. I will trust in You. If there’s a road I should walk Help me find it. If I need to be still, Give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will, Can you help me find it? I’m giving You fear and You give faith. I’m giving you doubt. You give me grace. For every step I’ve never been alone. Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way. Even in the valley I will say, with every breath You’ve never let me go. I will wait for You. You’ve never failed before. I will wait for You.” By Sidewalk Prophets “Help Me Find It”

My “It”. I needed to swallow epilepsy and own it. I finally felt like I could say without so much embarrassment that I have epilepsy. I’m a Mom and I am at home with my family. And the rest is really none of your business. No I can’t really say that, but I can say it in my head until I think of something a little snazzier. I am proud of my family and I am fortunate and blessed to be with my children everyday! Now God knows I love the road and I believed He wanted me to have that freedom again.

My sweet niece in Colorado called me in early spring to tell me she wanted to run the Bolder Boulder. It’s a huge Memorial Day attraction founded by Olympian Frank Shorter in 1979. The race ends in the University of Colorado’s Folsom Field with the Finish Line on the big screen for added excitement! She told me she and her entire family were running the race together. This was my “It”! My mind was racing. I was not letting my brother and his whole family do this without me! I called my best friend, Sharon. She was the person who asked me to run a half marathon with her way back in 2005. I knew she wouldn’t turn me down. I asked her to fly to CO with me and run a 10K. I’m pretty sure she didn’t even ask me when it was before she said she would go. Next, Mom. Of course she would go. I called my brother and asked if he could make room for 3 more people that weekend. No problem! I had my goal and I had a couple of months to get ready for 6 miles. I hadn’t run more than 3 miles but I was certain I would be able to do this.

Fast forward to Memorial Day weekend. I had some really bad runs and one really good 4 mile getting ready for the race. I had some great workouts and one right before the race that I had to completely bail on where the people at the gym said I looked dazed and confused. That’s always reassuring. I was so anxious leading up to the race, it was ridiculous. I was afraid to be away from home. I have been home SO much that I’m actually uncomfortable leaving home now. That’s another issue I have to deal with too. Anyway, my prayer warriors were at work and I knew God is faithful. I knew He had not failed me. I knew I needed to step outside of my comfort zone in order to feel His power rain down on me.  Well, guess what? Elevation did not bother us, lack of training did not bother me. I smiled and then I cried like a baby after crossing the finish. I took it all in and looked to the heavens, feeling like I was just a little closer standing there at the base of the Flat Irons. I thanked God for His faithfulness before, during and now. I closed my eyes and the months flashed by and I felt the ground beneath me and I was so grateful for the road I had traveled to cross that finish line. I had given Him fear and doubt and He gave me faith and grace. For every step I was never alone. Indeed He helped me find It. I just needed to rekindle my love with Him.

That's me in the pink! I found my It at the Finish!

That’s me in the pink! I found my It at the Finish!

So officially it is only 34 days until I get the keys back. I feel like I need a refresher course to hit these crazy roads first. I also wonder where I will go? Isn’t that funny? All these months of being at home and learning to consolidate trips to now I wonder where I might need to go? Thank you for being part of this journey with me. For supporting me by reading my posts and giving my an outlet for the crazy thoughts that wonder around in my silly little mind. I hope I give you some laughs, some insight into life that is different from your own and maybe a little bit of something to chew on for another day.

© Gatewood Campbell, June 2014

 

 

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Just a Little Bit Longer

“How much longer?”

Everyone is asking. Seems like it has flown by to everyone else, and in many ways it has. It seems like forever to me, and to others it has felt like that as well. How much longer until I can get behind the wheel? I have 2 more months. I am so tired, and embarrassed of having to ask people to do something for me. This is so difficult for me. Boy am I really being refined there!

Truth is, the closer it gets the more anxious I am. Each day I am more fearful that I am going to have another grand mal seizure and lose consciousness, thus starting the entire process over again. I am afraid that the black hole that this new medicine has created in my brain will make me too much of a lunatic to drive with any sense. Will I remember how to drive? Or will I more likely resemble an inexperienced 15 year old with a permit? Gasp, been there, doing that….deep breath in through the nose….out slowly through the mouth…and repeat until you reach your destination. 

I’m surrounded by people, loving family and friends, yet epilepsy and the medication we have to take, force us into an obscure place that others cannot understand. So often it isn’t epilepsy that causes the problem, it is the medicine that is the evil. It takes away the person that we once knew when we looked in the mirror. I know that I do not make coffee in the laundry room, yet I found myself walking into the laundry room with coffee and filter in hand looking for the coffee maker. On more than one occasion I have looked at my 10 year old washer and dryer not knowing what to do with the knobs to make them start. I was at the gym and I forgot how to do a sit up. I can’t even explain that one. I just knew from how my body felt that I was doing it incorrectly. I couldn’t form a correct sit up. Simple facts that I have always known and been able to recall are just gone. I hope I can run again without being dizzy. Conversation is so hard. My black box brain is so empty. The words come so slowly, each word is so delicate and so cautious. I’m confused by the smallest challenges. My fourth grader has long surpassed what I can help him with in his school work. I have a college degree and I can’t help him with his homework. It is degrading. Parts of who I was… vanished. So who am I going to become? What am I going to do? Change is hard. No one likes change. This medicine is good; it is keeping me from having seizures. I have to remember that.

This has been a hard winter on many levels. It was so unexpected. I’m not used to dealing with the new side effects of this person that has been created and working so hard to dig up the layers beneath to find me. I want to be the mom that I used to be for my children and the wife that I used to be. I want to be the friend that I used to be. I want to run like I used to. I want to be able to work out like I used to.  I want to juggle those things and more. I want to give as much as I receive. This spot, this place, it is so uncomfortable for me.

On Sunday these words from Always by Kristian Stanfill spoke to my heart. “Oh my God, He will not delay, My refuge and strength always. I will not fear, His promise is true. My God will come through always. Always.”

A few weeks ago I was cleaning out some things and I stumbled on 3  greeting cards that I had tucked away for safe keeping some years ago. They were mixed in with some other things so obviously they were something of meaning so I pulled them out to read. One of them was from my Grandmother. All it said on the inside was

“Peace!

         Emmer”

There was no date. The card had a little bird on the front so it didn’t indicate a holiday, but she wouldn’t have wasted money on a holiday card anyway. She likely just sent me a card during some difficult time. I could see her gentle teary eyes and feel her soft arms wrapped around me. I needed that little hug.

I know God will not delay. I know He is my strength. I know His promises are true and I know He is all I need. I know He hears me when I am anxious, He knows my fears before I know them and I know His ways are better than my own. I know that, I know that, I know that. My God will come through always.

This journey has been a doozie. How much longer is really anyone’s guess, but I am ready for this roller coaster to come to a safe and complete stop. Oh yeah, I can’t ride roller coasters. I forgot.

© Copyright Gatewood Campbell, May 2014